A continuing tale of life in the boonies


Watch This Space

Since October, the Farmington air has been a-buzz with conjecture regarding the empty business property abutting Betty Mros's famous Nearly New Shoppe on Main Street. Even before Charles Deluccia bought the property, some time back, Betty's window displays, like wild mustangs, had galloped off.

Then towels and T-shirts appeared in the empty window, giving rise to a haberdasher theory, but as it turned out these items were on temporary display to advertise a road race. Later, waves of second-hand furniture flowed in, but as quickly ebbed out.

This week I thought the conundrum was solved.

"A waxworks museum!" I triumphantly breathed, spotting, in the gloom of the empty window, an astonishingly lifelike resemblance of Mr. Archie Corson. Then it moved - and I realized with embarrassment that I had probably blown the cover of an Archie busily engrossed in watching police hats.

Yesterday, consumed with curiosity, I broached the subject of his impending business venture with the amiable Mr. Deluccia. Playing his cards close to his chest he said "Something will crystallize."

Watch This Hat

Farmington Police Department has recruited a new officer, Scott Roberge of Dover, an ex-marine well versed in the wearing of hats. As Police Chief Carl Worster glanced over his newly typed register of policemen, a list that runs to 18 names of full-time and part-time cops, he asked incredulously, "Where are they all? In the filing cabinet?" Certainly the force has never mustered all together, lending weight to gossip that due to stringent budget allocations, the town advocates hat-sharing.

Santa News

Tom Harding of N.H. Jaycees intimates that Santa's Hotline will be on Dec. 14 from 9 a.m. until 6 p.m. The number to dial, 755-3603, should not be confused with Hatwatch Hotline, 755-3703.

Two candidates have already volunteered their services for the position of Official Town Santa should such an honorable post materialize. Fred Dow Jr., of 50 N. Main St. and current newsmaker, Archie Corson have both expressed a sincere wish to help the town and one of these gentlemen may be chosen by the Community Center to feature in Christmas plans.

New Broom's Clean Sweep

New Hampshire has a new State Health Inspector, Arthur Chagnon whose recent meanderings led him to Farmington. That much is known. Additional details are sketchy and hard to come by, unusual in a town noted for rumor and embroidery. According to Farmington Health Officer, a John Fitch, Mr. Chagnon is conducting three-yearly checks on all restaurants, groceries and other food outlets in the area.

A donut manufacturing operation was among early inspection failures, but the owner, also a John Fitch, quickly put things to rights.

"Proud to have him here," said an indefatigable Mr. F. of his boss. "Great donuts will taste greater."

As I type, the crumbs of a truly delicious Fitch creation sprinkle the keyboard. Furthermore, it is believed that donuts beat school hot lunches in Round 1 of the Chagnon Quiz, but my usual sources are tight-lipped on this one. Information welcome.

Historical News

Re-elected Historical Society President, Phyllis Kologowski announces that on Dec. 6 the Society will meet in the Congregational Church Hall to hear a talk on Old Fashioned Christmas. (Need any old-fashioned Santas?) The November meeting was an extremely entertaining affair with Ann Fleck talking about the Statue of Liberty and giving a rendition of America drum rolls. In a break with tradition, back in October, Mrs. Beulah Thayer's pumpkins were not rolled down Main Hill.

Museum News

Once upon a time, deep in the woods of West Milton, lived a one-armed nut carver. Of all the one-armed nut carvers in the world he was the very, very best. Each night, by the light of a candle he would carve his nutshells into the dearest little shopping baskets that you ever saw, intricately encrusted with loving details. Every one, like snowflakes, different from the others. He held the nuts steady, as he carved, with his feet, and so is also known as the three-toed nut carver, though no sloth was he.

In 1916, he won first prize at West Milton Country Fair, in the one-armed nut carver class, this proving to be the high point of his career. Who was he? No one knows. In the mists of time, his name has been lost. However, his precious works live on, affectionately preserved in the original display cabinet, by the trustees of the Farmington museum. Should you have information regarding this, or any other carvers of nuts, please contact 755-3703. To avoid confusion, kindly open with words "This is not a Hatwatch call."

Selectmen's News

Chris Kenyon has resigned as a Selectman of the Town of Farmington due to persistent ill-health. On behalf of the Community Center, of which he was a unwavering and indispensable supporter, I wish him a speedy and sustained recovery. Thank you Chris. The two remaining Selectmen, Willis Berry and John Scruton have the power to make an interim appointment until Election Day in March, at which time, two vacant seats will be contested. Hot tip as a stand-in is no stranger to this column - Biff the Mailman.

The Time Of Sands Runs Out

America has recently been shaken to the core with international spy scandals that have ripped asunder the very fabric of society. Against such a background, here in Farmington, the heartland of boondock Republicanism, it is the patriotic duty of all to be on constant vigilance for treachery and betrayal. It is a time to circle the wagons to protect the town's most precious possession from falling into the hands of the infidel. We are talking dump padlock key!

Middleton selectmen have been informed that due to a shortage of future space at Farmington sand-excavated landfill, their days are numbered and that they should search out an alternative site in the near future. So far these summit negotiations have been conducted in a "frank and cordial atmosphere" but Marshal Colwell has been alerted to monitor any stray dog maneuvers carried out near the Farmington Town Line.

School News

Last week, this column reminded readers of Principal Jim Bibbo's obsession with bridges. This week we can reveal all. Mr. Bibbo explains that his idiosyncrasy is the result of being born the son of a bridge builder. His father was a dental surgeon.

Carolyn Hathaway, Joyce Mosher and the kids of Main St. School staged two one act plays last week in the Town Hall - Snowy White & the Dwarves plus The Farmer's Daughter and highly successful they were too. Now the Community Center, using money raised from dances, has ordered 12 large stage lights and a four-channel controller, and they will be invaluable to future school play productions. Bright sunshine can be dimmed into sunset and gradually changed to moonlight. Serious consideration is being given to raising money for new stage curtains. Barbara Spear, Betty Mros and Joyce Nutter are leading this fight.

Finally, school nurses would like to draw attention to a Dental Program that starts in December, whereby Readiness to 8th grade teeth can be fixed, polished and scrubbed for four bucks the set.

Ballbouncing News

More teams and more games than in last year's Men's league augured a wonderful 1985/86 season. Especially since the steep rise in team fees, from $50 to $150 allowed the hiring of a referee, scorer and time-keeper for each clash. But no one considered the strain on the much-maligned ref. Six games into the calendar, Russ quit for the third and what appeared to be the final time, driven to the extremes of despair by personal abuse. Three resignations, like three attempted suicides, were three desperate cries for help. The league, which needs Russ more than he needs them, has aroused itself, and from its ranks, voluntary refs are oozing forth to ease the burden. Well done, lads.

"He hath a good judgment that relieth not wholly on his own." - Thomas Fuller

Dec. 3, 1985

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