A continuing tale of life in the boonies

No. 060

A wonderful chance

Great moments come to every man

Some situations where he can

Achieve such fame that folks acclaim

The very mention of his name.


A circus played our town one day

Three Bengal tigers got away.

The manager looked straight at me,

Said, here's your opportunity.


Somebody must get those cats,

But our tiger man is sick in bed,

So put on your hat and coat,

That is what the manager said.


The man that brings them back alive

A hero is gonna be,

It's a wonderful chance for somebody

Somebody else - not me!


These lines, penned in the early '20s by Bert Williams, kinda sum up how I feel about a large document that lies atop my desk. A document that somebody ought to give a act upon. It's a wonderful chance to be a hero.

One year from now, on Sept. 17, 1987, will fall the Bicentennial of the Constitution of the United States of America. This document is needs a chairperson to fill it in, and thereby take charge of the Bicentennial Community Program. It's a wonderful chance for somebody! I am debarred on the grounds of alienism and the inability to solemnize. But call 755-2405, day or night. It's a wonderful chance for somebody! Somebody else - not me!

Big Cake News: In my small library there is a book on world religions that lists everything from the Ifugaos of Luzon to the Mahdi of Qadian - yet no mention of the Cake Worshipers of Farmington. Perhaps this sect has flourished too recently to be included. Certainly the first recorded outbreak of this idolatry was at the Henry Wilson Winter Carnival in February of 1986 when a massive Cake God was created, praised and wolfed by a gathering of the faithful.

At Hay Day, a victim narrowly escaped sacrifice on a float, when a second large cake caught on an overhead wire and all but crushed a small child. Now, with the approach of the Nute Ridge Half Marathon, high priestess Marion Loper of the school cafeteria, is discussing the construction of a third cake. This latest temple of crumbs has the working title of Big Sneaker.

Challenge: "How come you don't pick on Biff no more in the column?" asked fellow mailman Alton Hayward. Well the rumor is that Biff has seen the light and "got" Recreation. Word has it that Mr. Silvia is entering the Half Marathon and is issuing a challenge to Mayor Green of Rochester and Selectman Gilman of Milton. Biff has an unfair advantage - running away from dogs has kept him superbly fit.

Ooops! An embarrassment in Farmington District Court last week. A sergeant (not Brownie) split his trousers, reported several wellwishers from the P.D.

A Shepherd's Warning: Pat Frisella of Meaderboro Road has published an article in the Sheepbreeder's equivalent of the New Yorker concerning the snapping up of woolly ruminants by crocodiles. Meanwhile, Joseph Bean of nearby Kitehall reports the sighting of a black bear in the area.

Correction: This column normally stays aloof from politics. However, it was reported in an area newspaper before last week's primaries, that State Representative Henry Sullivan's voting record in the house was under 40 percent. The truth is nearer 98 percent, as he has missed only one vote in two years. A misprint to be sure, but unjust if the correction is not accorded the same prominence. No one saw the retraction, but happily that didn't prevent Mr. Sullivan from collecting a combined total of votes and write-ins greater than any other candidate. Nonetheless, an apology is due.

Lonely Heart News: May I thank the lady who wrote with an eggplant receipt. I combined the ingredients as instructed but the result was horrible. My fault - in haste I had read "chilled" for ""grilled"! Incidentally that was me wearing the paper bag on your recent visit to the Town Hall.

Construction News: The new bank building isn't turning out so bad after all. Thought and care in the design stage has made sure that the bank, once the brickwork has been completed, will blend in architecturally with its nearest visible neighbor - the laundromat.

Sewage Lagoon News: Mr. "Shotgun" Vic Lapierre gives unstinting praise to Health Officer Fitch in the latter's task of ensuring the former does not dump Middleton sewage in Farmington. On several occasions, according to Vic, John FItch has doggedly tailed his tanker along miles of circuitous back roads, unaware that it was empty. I have a plan, that with a little public co-operation around the county, would greatly ease the Health Officer's burden. Each local authority should issue its citizens a different colored food dye that could sit on the table alongside the salt and pepper. Green for Milton, red for New Durham, blue for Farmington, etc. The result - color-coded sewage. No more doubt or argument, port of origin known! John Fitch, himself, suggests that one way to reduce the sewage problem is to issue more government welfare cheese.

Grange News: To the surprise of many, after all that has appeared hereabouts especially regarding Henry Wilson a great honor was bestowed upon me, recently, by Henry Wilson Grange #205. Before retiring to a cake-eating ceremony, the members elected new officer-bearers as follows: Master - Walter Richards; Secretary - Betty Webster; Overseer - Hervey Champagne; Chaplain - Bunny Eastman; Pianist - Marion Kimball (Sam Mahoney - 0 votes); Lecturer - Hilda Tucker; Steward - Eddie Laffety; Asst. Steward - Janelle Jackson; Lady Asst. Steward - Joan Jackson; Treasurer - Lorraine Doe; Gatekeeper - Diane Reed; Flora - Christian Rich; Ceres - Cindy Russell; Pomona - Flora Pouliot; Executive Committee for three years - Ralph Russell.

Outdoor Club: Mr. & Mrs. Kelly-the-Hatless of Meaderboro Road (not the Planning Board end) extend an invitation to those who survived the Chocorua climb to come along on Oct. 4 to eat cake, get soused and stagger up Blue Job Mountain. Count me in! All interested call 755-2405 for details.

Sept. 18, 1986

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