A continuing tale of life in the boonies

No. 072


A scandal of major proportions rocked Farmington Corner last week and threatened, at one stage, to bring down this column. The story broke with the discovery that it was Mr. Ramgunshoch, a fictional person residing on this page, who was answerable for the placing of a strange personal ad in the last November issue of the Courier.

Acting quickly to safeguard the paper's credibility, to fully acquaint the readership with the facts, and to bring wrongdoers to justice, the editor, in keeping with the mood of the country, appointed a Special Prosecuter. This inquisitor lost no time in obtaining testimonies from implicated parties - extract from these hearings follow:

Special Prosecutor: Mr. Ramgunshoch, do you concede that you were responsible for placing a personal ad in the Courier on the 25th November that read "haggard, downtrodden alien seeks F of antipodean fortune"?

Mr. R: Well a fellow gets lonely, ye ken. This is a dull column to live in.

Nolan: And Mrs. Ramgunshoch sadly died of bubonic ...

S.P.: Silence! I will brook no intercessons! As a fictional person, how did you hope to pay for this insertion, Mr. Ramgunshoch?

Editor: It was a free ad - what a blunder.

S.P.: Tell me, Ramgunshoch, how many responses were you able to elicit?

Nolan: Take the 5th Amendment!

S.P.: One more interruption and I will have the editor remove you to Page 94. I'm waiting, Ramgunshoch.

Mr. R: Two ladies, a pair of clowns of indeterminate gender, and a turkey all wrote, enclosing photographs.

Nolan: Freddy Olson's donkey also felt it met the criteria, your Mightiness.

S.P.: Editor, dispatch that man! What criteria, Ramgunshoch?

Mr. R: No dog-lovers, fats, cranks or abstainers.

S.P.: This is outrageous. Why are dog-lovers being discriminated against?

Faint voice from P.94: Strafford County Kennel Club ...

S.P.: If the readership would be so kind as to rustle their newspapers, these infernal interjections should be drowned out.

Readership: Rustle! Rustle!

S.P.: So, Ramgunshoch, you have managed to enlist the pity of two innocent and unsuspecting women. You, sir, are a cad, and Nolan, the correspondent accountable for your actions, is guilty of conspiracy or negligence. Personally, I feel he must have known.

Readership: Rustle! Rustle!

S.P.: I am going to recommend that you be banished from this column, Mr. Ramgunshoch for a minimum period of four issues, after you have written letters of contrite explanation to the ladies in question.

Editor: And cut Nolan's pay!

Readership: Rustle! Rustle! Rustle! Rustle! Rustle!

Christmas Competition

Time for another poetry contest, and to ingratiate myself with various factions, I will award the winner $3 from my own meager pocket. At a recent meeting, Farmington Business Association again decided to place the Christmas tree on Main Street some 20 feet up in the air. I am seeking a short verse to commemorate this phenomenon - something along the lines of:

Twinkle, twinkle little tree,

High above where doggies pee,

Shining o'er the hum and racket,

In counterpoint to Lefty's jacket.

Please send entries, along with name and telephone number to Farmington Community Center, c/o Town Hall, Main Street, Farmington 03935 or call them in to 755-2405. The best efforts will, of course, be published.

Alterations By Doris News: Nothing but good reports on this front. Before we get to Lefty's Coat of a Thousand Sequins, it is pleasing to relate that Doris has received a great deal of Farmington business of late. Many ladies from T.O.P.S. Club, have been visiting the renowned tailoress to have their clothes taken in, so successful have they been in shedding pounds. And Lefty's fund creeps higher - latest donations bring the total collected to $165:82 - remember that any surplus goes to Christmas baskets for the needy via Trudy Pence's Welfare Department.

Robyn Doke - $1.00

Tina & Gloria - 1.73

Ed & Angela Michaud - .70

Poor people - .95

Eck & Linda Elliot - 3.21

Kelly the Hatless - .50

Dance (192 kids) - .79

Water Dept. (Beards only) - 1.20

New York Brenda - 2.28

Clan Fraser - 4.53

Paul Turner - 1.10

Bob Emerson - 2.00

Sadly Gonne Shoppe - 1.00

Chief Worster - .50

Lefty X - 5.00

Ron the Mailman - .09

Fireman Plante - .50

Lorraine Haley - .25

Memorial Drive Brass - 1.03

The "Siti" girls - 1.43

The 4 Dowds - 1.00

The 5 Duponts - 2.00

Goodwin Library - 1.00

F.N. & S.B. (interest) - .14

Pam Bouchard - 1.00

More poor people - 1.20

Fosters (Part II) - 1.00

Courier (Part II) - 2.00

Kennedy Painting - 1.00

Holly (Painting II) - 1.00

James E. Thayer (loan) - .25

"Not a dump picker" - .39

Doctor Birdy - 1.01

Girls Varsity Bskball - 2.00

Address: Farmington Corner Christmas Fund c/o Community Center, etc.

Hunting News: Fortunately for the Silvia family, "like father, like son" doesn't always apply. Biff the Mailman failed to pot a deer in three weeks of continuous hunting but his boys got one apiece. Perhaps he'll have better luck shooting things down on the Budget Committee.

Athens Of New Hampshire: Farmington-based choir of renown, the Clemantines, have an extremely busy schedule over the next two weeks, being booked for no fewer that five engagements.

Community Center News: The major purchase of 1986, a state-of-the-art Air Hockey, has just arrived and is proving to be a great hit. Costing almost $2,000, the game was paid from the profits of the dances throughout the year.

Elementary School: Farmington's Memorial Drive School has been awarded the highest possible status (1B) for a school without a kindergarten, by N.H. Dept. of Education. This puts the kids in the coveted position of attending an establishment that is considered in the top 29 percent, statewide. On Dec. 11, students, under the direction of Sue Rogers, are putting on a Christmas play, to which all parents are invited free of charge. Commencing at 7 p.m. in the high school gym, the performance will involve 106 pupils, including both elementary bands and the school chorus.

Any Old Toys: National Honor Society students are currently collecting old toys at Farmington High School. They will be rejuvenated and passed onto local orphanages.

Congregational Church News: The Nativity scene was staked into the church lawn last week, to add to the Christmas atmosphere enveloping the town. Helping out the rector were Sherherd of the Occident, Judge Nute, and also Allan Drew, who as a former selectman could lay claim to being a Wise Man. The only criticism I have is of a minor nature - the three lambs, insufficiently anchored and inadvisedly angled, appear to be heading towards an appetizing bowl of myrrh.


Plaintive voice from the ether: A merry Xmas tae ye all.

S.P. and Mrs. Flynn: Who said that?

Dec. 9, 1986

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