A continuing tale of life in the boonies
Farmington the good
Last Thursday, in a surprise attack, the Farmington Corner typewriter was captured, after only token resistance, and remains in the hands of a hitherto unknown group calling itself Outraged Farmingtonians Fighting Against Libel (OFFAL).
After much editorial heart-searching, the Courier has decided to comply with their wishes and print the statement contained on a videotape that the guerrilla group deposited in the newspaper's mailbox. On the film itself, a man dressed in battle fatigues and dark glasses, identified only as Abu Woodchopper, read this bulletin. He is seated in front of a framed portrait of former Vice-President Henry Wilson. Occasionally his fingers tighten around an axe that is lying on his desk, and several times he refreshes himself from what appears to be a can of Bud, positioned just off camera.
"We, the Outraged Farmingtonians Fighting Against Libel, are sick of the lies that are concocted in Farmington Corner every week to give the town a bad name. For example, we object strongly to muckraking trash like:
1. The suggestion that madman Khadafy will sail up the Cocheco to capture Farmington. We have enough guns to blow that sucker away.
2. Appealing to commie Gorbachev for hats and mittens for our kids. We will look after ourselves, and if not, better blue than red.
3. Making the fire truck sound like a performing elephant with its legs in the air.
4. Giving publicity to Lyndon Larouche so that he picked up four votes in Farmington - twice as many as Rochester.
5. Slipping the word Xmas into Farmington Corner each year in spite of an overwhelming preference for the more respectful Christmas.
6. Continually running articles that ridicule the dump padlock key, Wayne Spear being inadvertently locked in a bathroom, police headgear, the Planning Board, women quietly discussing the ownership of a cord of wood on Main Street, the arduous duties of the animal control officer, mudding, sign and bicycle ordinances, and the fine work carried out by Farmington Road Crew.
7. The treatment given to a citizen's concern about the flora and fauna that exist in Kicking Horse Brook. "Night of the Killer Sediment" amused no one.
8. The habitual reference to Basketball, Farmington's dominating passion, by a lesser name that we will refrain from mentioning.
9. Articles that attempt to promote the author of Farmington Corner into the unfilled post of civil defense director, thus seriously undermining the security of the town of Farmington. Khadafy shall have a dump padlock key when he can prise it from our cold dead fingers, we say.
10. Articles that temporarily sway the citizenry from their normally staid composure, and cause them to dress as Long John Silvers or Gabby Hayeses or Hobo Bills, and give the town a bad name, right on Main Street.
11. Many, many more cases of muckraking, lillipucious, gonzo journalism that this video tape is too short to contain.
We, the Outraged Farmingtonians Fighting Against Libel, shall now continue with the news of Week No. 10, in the people's calendar of 1988.
Mr. John Nolan, an alien, failed utterly in his attempt to stir up trouble and public sympathy for his ridiculous grievance about having no vote. At an unmoving and completely failed ceremony at the Cocheco River bridge on South Main Street, Nolan dropped a teabag into the water, where it sank immediately without trace. No one was in attendance to show support, indicating a total failure, and despite a bribe of sardines, Royce Hodgdon's cat turned back for home after only a few steps. In a solid display of rejection, Alton Shoe workers ignored appeals for musical accompaniment, taking all their radios inside and closing their windows. This is an historic first and underlines the failure of the protest.
Although this is not available at this time, we would like to say that the children of Farmington get very good food and all the kitchen staff do a fine job.
Although no one from our group has managed to attend a recent meeting of Farmington Planning Board, they are selfless hardworking people. So is the Planning Board. They do a good job.
The Farmington Lions meet twice per month and do an excellent job. The Henry Wilson Grange of Mechanic Street meets twice per month and comprises a very nice collection of people. So do the American Legion and the D.A.V. and the V.F.W., and Farmington Woman's Club has quite nice people. Farmington High School has a Booster Club, which does a very good job, and Farmington Business Association does a lot of nice things for the town of Farmington.
Mr. John Fitch is an excellent health officer and a very fair and hardworking animal control officer who takes care of dogs, cats, skunks, ferrets, snakes and every kind of animal you can think of. He would take care of alligators or wolverines or anything. Just call him.
There are many other good organizations in town that show Farmington in a very good light and do not get the recognition they deserve. We salute them all. Good job, guys.
We, the Outraged Farmingtonians Fighting Against Libel, wish to submit our report of the 1988 town meeting, which shows overwhelmingly that the people of Farmington can discuss the issues of the day in an atmosphere free of rancor and cynicism that reflects only good upon the town. Many diverse viewpoints were raised and there were refreshing and illuminating disclosures, but no lilliputious muckraking.
At the height of the proceedings, 65 people sat on chairs, 12 people sat up front, 81 people sat on the bleachers, and five people stood at the back. This shows harmonious divergence, and reflects well upon the town. The following items of interest were revealed:
1. Mr. Red Eaton does not believe in Budget Committees.
2. Mr. Walt LaValle has lived in Farmington for 50 years (not a native, but never mind) and does not believe in planners or a lot of new equipment.
3. Mr. Randy Orvis believes very strongly in planners, and is on the Planning Board.
4. Mr. Randy Orvis prepared a semi-official map of the town of Farmington, which was displayed of an easel at the back of the hall for the elucidation of the townspeople. Mr. Perkins pointed out that Mr. Orvis had placed Winter Street on the wrong side of Main Street. This is puzzling, because Mr. Orvis is a member of Farmington Planning Board, which does a fine job, and has had Winter Street continually in its mind since the Rancourt hearings began. However, we re-affirm our faith in Mr. Orvis.
5. The townspeople of Farmington, by a voice vote, loudly but politely rejected a proposal by Mr. Orvis to spend $1,000 for the drawing up of an Official Town Map. This is on the grounds that they all know where Winter Street is already.
6. Mr. Olson of the Conservation Commission divulged that Mrs. Olson had recently purchased a lemon.
7. The total of $3,000 has been allocated for "the care of trees." This means they are lopped off or wrenched up, which sure takes care of them. This is your official joke for Week No. 10 in the people's 1988 calendar, and is not of a muckraking nature.
8. At 11:15 p.m., with 12 people up front, 47 on the bleachers, 34 on the seats and one at the back, Mr. Red Eaton gave an interesting lecture on how to haul snow more efficiently after a storm.
9. A thunderous approval was given by almost the entire hall for the article dealing with skating on the town land on Union Street. Only Mr. Orvis said "No" on the grounds that it may interfere with the only significant area of wetlands in the downtown area. However, he is on the Planning Board, which does a real fine job, and bearing no grudges, he will be welcome to skate, too.
10. On several historic occasions, amply demonstrating the amicability and friendliness of the wonderful people of Farmington, Mr. Cooper of the Budget Committee agreed with Mr. Scruton of the Selectmen.
Next Week: Basketball, basketball, basketball.
This has been a communiqué from OFFAL, the people's choice."
March 13, 1988
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