FARMINGTON – When voters fight their way through 20 feet of snow and arrive at the polls on March 11, they will find a cornucopia of choices to fill the three vacant selectmen slots on this year’s ballot.

There are an unprecedented 16 candidates, and so, in a spirit of unbiased helpfulness, here is a quick rundown of the wannabees and the main planks in their platforms.

Abu Woodchopper carries aloft the flag of the BARF party, whose chief aim is to Burn All Retained Files. If the town sees sense, and does away with mountains of useless records, business could be conducted in much smaller premises, and taxpayers’ money would be saved. Elect A. Woodchopper on March 11!

Rantin Ramgunshoch is this year’s choice for WOOOF, which, of course stands for Wilson Out Of Obscurity Forthwith. What? Who’s Wilson? Henry Wilson, stupid. No, he’s not a school. He was U.S. Vice President under Grant, and was born on a golf course in Farmington. Geez!

Candidate No. 3 is Dorinda Wingate, who represents the Deep South. Of Farmington, that is. She favors dirt roads, street lights no closer than every 25^th pole, and a tax break for people who use llamas instead of SUVs.

Lee "Gal" Tome is campaigning for more silly ordinances, like those of the halcyon ‘80s, when large "muffin mix" signs in grocers’ windows were outlawed, a bicycle tax was almost introduced and an attempt to clear peacocks out of downtown Farmington nearly made it onto the books. (Thwarted by this very column, if one recalls correctly – Editor)

Thespian McNutt is running with the support of Farmington Town Players, and if successful, will outlaw basketball in the Town Hall. The question was once posed - does Culture bounce? Well Culture’s gonna bounce those curtain-rippin’, metal-hoop obsessed sons of guns right outta here, if it gets the chance. Vote McNutt and bring Farmington into the 20^th century! (The 21^st century, surely? – Editor)

Tiger McTiger is one of the hot favorites in the race, representing, as he does, Farmington basketball players. After his election, it is widely expected that Farmington Town Players will be banished to the boonies of the Town Pound, much to the dismay of those neighbors who successfully battled the skeet range.

Candidate No. 7 is Wadsworth Adams, a citizen who can trace his ancestry all the way back to the Mayflower. He is the caucused choice of HELM, the group that campaigns to preserve Farmington’s four royal and ancient sports – Hollering, Egging, Laying down rubber and Mudding.

Halfway through the pack we come to Bud D. Rinker, who would like to introduce the concept of licensed sidewalk cafes, Parisienne style, in order to boost the tourism industry. This concept would double the size of the Neutral Zone, and is expected to pick up much support on Mechanic Street East.

Justine Geste, in her campaign literature, is pushing to have the dump opened seven days a week on the premise that nobody can remember which days it is open, apart from Saturdays. Alternatively, she would issue every taxpayer a dump padlock key (which can then be sold on the open market for at least $100 or 10 basketballs.)

The Poetry candidate in this election is Lucy Cotswold, and she would like to introduce the concept of rhyming warrant articles, which, if they were not up to snuff, could be rejected out of hand, thus saving everybody a lot of reading time.

The eleventh name on this list is that of the libertarian Phil Adelphia Bell, who subscribes to the tenet of the 1920s philosopher Crowley: Do as thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. As a compromise to this somewhat radical position P. A. Bell, if elected, might have the police chief reappointed every second Wednesday, to safeguard against dictatorship.

The twelfth apostle in this crowded field is a strong supporter of education, and being happy with the present School Board, has jumped into the selectmen’s race instead. Lewis N. Clark will explore ways to blast Henry Wilson Memorial School Out Of Obscurity Forthwith (HWMS-OOOF).

Dusty Charette, has thrown her hat into the ring, because of her devout belief that Farmington is a great place to live, with the only thing lacking – an attractive gateway into town. She is disappointed that the architects who tackled this issue a couple of years back did not come up with workable ideas, but she firmly rejects this column’s suggestion that a gigantic fiberglass basketball tree should welcome visitors at the Cocheco River bridge.

Talking of welcomes, with the presidential primary only months away, selectman candidate Goody Postlethwaite thinks Farmington can be put on the map by extending a warm Farmington Woman’s Club invite to as many nationally known figures as possible. Dick Gephardt and Lyndon Larouche may not accept, however, if they are still ticked about their Farmington Corner coverage in 1988.

Farmington Historical Society has put forward a very viable candidate this year. Noddin Orfe hopes to convince the electorate that the key to Farmington’s future lies in the dim and distant past. If he is successful in his bid for office, Mr. Orfe will introduce legislation that will make it obligatory for MetroCast Cablevision to televise the Historical Society’s monthly meetings and play them on all 67 channels at once. He refutes the idea that this will lead to a spate of suicides. (May I remind the author of this impudence that I am Farmington Historical Society’s second vice president. – Editor)

Finally, selectman candidate No. 16 in this crowded field is someone whose platform combines many desirable themes – lofty vision, artistic sensibility, stalwart patriotism, big returns on small outlays, a sense of timeliness, a sense of fashion, a deep understanding of symbolism, a gift for communication, a panacea for the town’s ills and a way to express its hopes and aspirations – Mr. Evelyn Waugh is running on the conviction that, especially in these unpredictable times, we should put out more flags. (Isn’t Evelyn Waugh dead? – Editor)

A pre-election candidates’ night is planned in Farmington Town Hall and it promises to be the most memorable evening since the male strippers performed in the Fire Safety Building. (If Evelyn Waugh shows up it will indeed be a haunting occasion. – Editor)

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