A continuing tale of life in the boonies

No. 284

A superfluity of poets

FARMINGTON – It always happens. Print a few satirical lines of verse in the column – like last week’s alert for a state poet laureate - and before you can say "Rabbie Burns," Farmington Corner is deluged in a shower of junk mail.

Appended below are some examples of the outpouring just received from these hair-trigger poets:


In praise of those who sacrifice

vacation days to inform the people


The Witenagemot of the Lilac City,

Triskaidekaphobia soweth

In the hearts and souls of men;

Pontificate and Die is their new ditty,

But as every voter knoweth,

Freedom may ring clear again.


Then we’ll burn the gags and muzzles on a pyre,

Soon the Common will be lighted

By the fires of liberty,

And, linking hands, we’ll dance as flames leap higher,

For no more we will be blighted

By the chains of tyranny.

Mr. Rantin Ramgunshoch

(Editor’s note: Mr. Rantin Ramgunshoch, in the words of former NH District 6 Senator George Lovejoy, "is a carpetbagger from Farmington," and on these grounds, and several others, should be utterly ignored.)



In praise of an

old French neighborhood.

(sung to the Canadian tune Farewell to Nova Scotia)


Ye lilacs hang their blossoms low,

Ye birds do chant on every tree

Ye lovers spoon, ye doggies croon,

On Lafayette, sweet home to me.


Ye people smile from every stoop,

They whisper soft, "Stop by for tea."

And e’en ye poor, their hearts are pure,

On Lafayette, sweet home to me.


Ye flags are flown as proud as they,

Adorning mansions on the hill,

No shirt, no shoes? No drugs, no booze!

On Lafayette, sweet home to me.

Mlle. Anne June



O, Happy Land!


In Farmington they walk to school,

From many miles away,

And then they all walk home again,

There are no sports to play.


Six students share a pencil,

There’s two to every chair,

But then again, the tax rate’s low,

And that’s all some folks care.

Al Liber



The Middleton Rant

(sung to the Irish tune, Arthur McBride)


Ye thieves and cut-purses, ye cat-burglars all,

Ye drunkards and party boys, hark to my call,

Let’s flock up to Middleton for a fine brawl,

For the cops get no backup to talk of.


Chorus: Tiddley-ay-di, tiddley-ay-di, etc.


We’ll camp out at John’s Beach, keep neighbors awake,

With some barrels of Budweiser, thirsts for to slake,

If the law shows its face, we’ll yell, "Jump in the lake!"

For the cops get no backup to talk of.

Ann Archy




There is an old woman who lives in a shoe,

With apartment rents sky-high, what else can she do?

But the shoe is on land that the wretch doesn’t own,

And the lot fee’s been hiked – and she can’t get a loan.


She’s gone to the mayor hoping for some relief,

Affordable housing? He shows disbelief.

He nixed the last project; with principles true,

No way will he vote for a subsidized shoe.

Mr. Rantin Ramgunshoch

(sticking his oar in again)

June 26, 2003


Helpful notes on northern Strafford County (NH)

1. Rochester Fire Chief Mark Dellner has been docked two days holiday pay for describing to a reporter the impact of possible cuts to his annual budget. The City Council (witenagemot) has 13 members - hence the triskaidekaphobia.

2. Poor Lafayette Street has appeared more often on the police log, in recent weeks, than any other road in Rochester. Hopefully this will raise spirits.

3.Farmington's school system is reeling under draconian local budget cuts that have eliminated teachers, sports, bus routes and much more.

4. The neighboring hamlet of Middleton has been deprived of police mutual aid by surrounding  departments due to some sort of brotherly spat.

5. A majority of the 13 Rochester City Councilors, including the mayor, recently shot down a well-designed affordable housing project that would have cost local taxpayers not a dollar. The waiting list for housing in Rochester is three to five years - a landlord's delight, a blue-collar worker's and manufacturer's nightmare.

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