A continuing tale of life in the boonies

No. 051

Long list grows longer

Long John Silver fever is already gripping the town of Farmington with 40 days to go before the big race, which is to be held downtown on Hay Day. With 20 entrants being sought to join in the dash for the hidden treasure, Long John Silvers of the very highest calibre have been coming forward, resumes in hand. A quality field of multi-talented pirates will include:

Heidi Pence - Editor of Puddledock Press and deputy dog officer. She will, through her office, enlist the assistance of Smokey Lapanne to sniff out the chest of loot.

Randy Bois - Schoolteacher and geologist, already well known to readers for his prowess in locating gold bullion.

Colin McArdle - Assistant professor of radiology, whose speciality is ultrasound - obviously an invaluable skill in locating secrets locked in chests. McArdle, from Boston, is a veteran of the Half Marathon and the Winter Carnival.

Kurt Olson - PhD in soil and water science and specialist in remote sensors. Another underground detection expert, Kurt has the additional buccaneering attribute of boat-building to his credit - vital should the route cross the Cocheco.

Freddy Olson - Horsewoman extraordinaire and Kurt Olson authority. Will she do a deal and share the swag? Historical precedent suggests not.

Tim Huppe - If he can compete during his Cameron's lunch break, Huppe, with his vast knowledge of local soil, could be a favorite for the booty.

Paul Turner - Who has been entered by friends anxious to see if he gets bitten by Smokey Lapanne.

Wild Bill Vachon - See last week's column.

John Scruton - He has not yet formally applied for a place on the starting grid but has been observed limping up and down Main Street recently, presumably rehearsing for his screen test. I have been preoccupied with where to bury the casket so kindly supplied by Jean Randall. The box bears a dramatic scene upon the lid of a coach and six galloping across the words "Strong Box." Unfortunately, cowboys are shooting through the windows. No matter - two localities currently being considered are Stuart Pease's plant barrel and beneath the Woman's Club flowers on the Square.

"They'll hang you!" said Freddy, when I floated the possibility, but I reminded her of an example from literature when a man had been rescued from the scaffold by the one-legged men of Ireland - this in a book called The Third Policeman by Flann O'Brien, "a hilarious comic satire about an archetypal village police force..." Compulsory reading!

In Praise Of Alice Nichols: Tune: Teddy Bears' Picnic - (with feeling.)

If you go down on the River Road,

You're sure of a big surprise,

If you go down on the River Road,

You'll never believe your eyes

For every can that ever there was,

Each bottle and wrapper you had in your paws,

Is gone for Alice Nichols

And B. have picked up!

Pick up time on River Road,

The lovely River Road has never looked so gay,

John Fitch took nine bags to the dump,

He has a key, (the lucky dog I hear you say)

He makes donuts too,

But from the subject I begin to stray,

At six o'clock he told Judge Nute,

Who wrote a note of thanks

To those wonderful Garbage Pickers.

Joe Woodcutter: Hey Bud - that last line don't rhyme!

Self: This work is based on the style of the revered Scottish poet William McGonnigle who disdained strict, or even casual adherence to meter and rhyme on the grounds that preoccupation with such superfluities defiled Poetry's purest essence. Take, by way of illustration, his famous verse commencing "I saw a cow come doon the road...", which reveals an exciting new vista of (cont. on page 94)

Botanical News II: An exploration of Fernald Park by the children on the summer program turned up a clump of Asiatic day-flowers growing along the margin of the Cocheco - small attractive flowers with two blue petals and a lower pale one. Does anyone have information regarding the rarity of this species?

Farm Bulletin: The Charbonneaus of Central Street, before going on vacation, engaged a cow-sitter, who had his work cut out last week when the bovine brainbox tried to munch a porcupine with predictable results. Where there's a quill, there's a wail.

Congregational Church News: In a recent issue of Pastor Hendrick's church letter was the following item. Dying Lad Wants World Record - A dying Scottish lad, known only as "Little Buddy" wants to go out in a blaze of glory. According to published reports, the 11-year-old boy, suffering a terminal illness, would like to be remembered in the Guinness Book of World Records by receiving the most postcards. The Guinness Book lists postcard collecting as the world's third largest hobby, but nobody is quite sure who holds the world's record for most cards collected. It costs only a few cents to send a postcard to Scotland, hardly too high a price to pay to make a dying boy's wish come true. You can send your postcards to: Little Buddy, P.O. Box 75, Paisley, Scotland, United Kingdom.*

Outdoor Club: Inclement weather caused the postponement of the ascent of Mount Washington from Pinkham Notch. New date is Sunday, July 20, leaving the Community Center at 7 a.m. Call 755-2405 for details. Families or individuals over 18 years welcome.

Get Well Soon: A second selectman, Short John Silvia, is suffering form a leg injury, having been nipped by a Doberman in his mail route. Willis Berry, at the time of writing , was still riding his motorcycle without a limp.

Great Bridges Of The World: Work finally appears to have petered out on the bridge over the Gulf of Cocheco, some 27 months after the old bridge washed out. This project, which has helped to bring New Hampshire unemployment figures down to under four percent will take its place in the catalogue of Man's Achievements alongside the Space Program and the Interstate Highway System. Well done, men!

July 14, 1986

*Outbreaks of the Little Buddy postcard scam continue into the 21st century.

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